ANSIR® Profile: Sage / Empath / Empath
Boss: Empath

My Fear

One of the required courses at Winthrop for all first time entering Freshmen is Critical Issues Symposium 101, Cism 101 for short. Being the good girl that I am, I did my CISM homework, which basically consisted of answering questions about myself. One section required us to complete the sentences. One fragment was:

When I am alone, the thing that I fear most is....

In my case, this question contains the answer. When I am alone, the thing I fear most is being alone. Don't misunderstand me. I do enjoy privacy, and I know that I have the love of God with me. But I fear not having the love of anyone else. I'm afraid that I'm going to grow up to be one of those mean old ladies who has no family or friends. You know the type. The ones whose doorstep is the local testing hall of little children's guts. My own little Boo Radley life for Scout, Jem, and Dill to fear. Of course, Boo turns out to be a hero in the end. My little nightmare ends more like Scrooge's vision of Christmas future.

I doubt I'll end up this way. At least I hope I won't. I don't think my friends or family will let me. In those times when I do feel most alone, I close up, becoming quiet and reclusive. I know my rather ironic response is by far not a solution to the problem, but it is how I react. In becoming the quiet recluse, I hide my pain. If no one talks to me, then they can't know I'm hurting, sparing them from empathetic suffering. This theory, of course, never holds true. I talk too much when I'm happy.

I've actually taken strides to keep my fear from becoming reality. I'll talk to people I don't know who are alone. I've had some nice conversations that way. I made one friend in June here just by joking with her on the campus tour. Now she's the one I spend the most time with. I have friends online, here at Winthrop, and back home in Jimmy Is High land. But there are still sometimes when I feel alone.

The major thing that would change if I could completely overcome this fear would be the number of pills I take daily. It would decrease by one. I wouldn't need Celexa anymore because I wouldn't be depressed anymore. Well, not like I am now. Maybe I would be less reclusive. Maybe I wouldn't be so quick to make foolish decisions in relationships. Maybe I would even be happy being alone.

"The only place outside of Heaven where you are safe from the pain of love is Hell." C. S. Lewis.

I will always believe that quote to be true; maybe I will always have my fear because of that.

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